Dating stories and jokes

My last date (story by our reader)

2011-11-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I admit I am a very shy guy (so shy that I used to give the old women my seat in the public transport), and I definitely never (NEVER) approach random girls and talk dirty things to them, including asking them out on a date. But I had suddenly changed and I felt particularly brave one night after fighting my ill uncle in the hospital. I approached an attractive nurse named these days Tinny (or wasn’t it her porn star name?). For a reason I couldn’t understand at that time, the words were coming out right not the normal cursing and swearing, and I managed to not only to persuade Tinny to go out on a date with me, but also had a very lively conversation that left her crying in desperation.
So, we met after a few nights I hardly remember (probably due to the quantity of the drunken alcohol). I and Tinny started talking, which was awesome ‘cause I wasn’t very sure that I am able to talk after two litters of vodka. But then it started getting to be like she was flirting with me. She was even pawing at me and holding my hand! I'm not one for confrontation, but I wasn't going to let a minor porn celebrity to take advantage of me so easily (on my first date in months). I thought acting like a macho was the right way to go. I told Joe (I wasn’t sure that it was his name but when I am drunk I called everybody “Joe”) that maybe she should be worrying more about the global warming than flirting. You may be wondering who the hell is Joe – honestly I don’t know some guy that accidentally passed around. Oops. Tinny was furious with me that I would be so ideal match for her, and also gave me a direct order to refer to her as my girlfriend from now on. Joe gave me a dirty look as well. The rest of the night was just painful. I tried to steal a bottle of whisky from a video shop I remember the staff there enjoyed the idea and laughed long after I fall unconscious.

This story was edited in order to make at lease a little sense

Love story from our reader

2011-10-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

So, I went on this strange group date. It was me, my new date, his friend, and two of my best friends. Believe it or not this was in 5th grade and we were already having sex all the time (It was just a pleasure, I didn’t actually intend on running serious staff with any boy who didn’t have fast sport car and big lovely villa on the Bahamas). Well, once we got there my last date, Daniel (or may be John or Larry), and both my best friends (Sarah The Horny and Sue The Blowjob) wanted to run to the first hotel that allows rooms for students, but they were pressuring my Denial (I really doubt his name was Jack) to run also and I am NO runner would rather taxi and he is a major jock so I had to (plus I am a little overweight, so I felt I kind of had to prove to him I wasn’t as lazy as it often appear). So, half way into the run I got a strong desire of having sex and my chest felt like its going to burst so I just walk into the first pub I saw.
When I understood the immorality of my actions I could've killed myself right there out of embarrassment. Ok, so then we went into the woods near a small motel and just sit around talking and I guess we started playing spin the bottle and he wanted to see my body rock (which wasn’t bad idea at all), and of course I was completely flat even though both my best friends were "developed" so I did everything I have learned from the X rated channels at home and I could tell he was not happy. And the next day he was completely ignoring me. I felt horrible and he asked my friend to be his girlfriend and she agreed and I did understand the meaning of the silicone boobs.

Dating is fantastic

2009-03-01T13:32:00.001-08:00

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You can join for free and you will instantly get involve to millions of singles in your area who you are perfectly matched with and who are looking for dates. The unique dating is the most advanced in dating issues so you will match up to your perfect desires and you will be able to browse extensive number of pubs and discos. Dating is so comprehensive and so popular that you stand the best chance of meeting your perfect partner on a bus stop.

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What is dating according to WikiPedia

2009-02-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

Dating is any social activity undertaken by, typically, two people with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.

In many cultural traditions, a date may be arranged by a third party, who may be a family member, acquaintance, or professional matchmaker. Recently internet dating has become popular.

Although dating etiquette in Western culture has become more relaxed during the twentieth century, there are considerable differences between social and personal values. For example, when an activity costs money (for example, a meal), traditionally the man was expected to pay; but in recent times the practice of "going Dutch" (splitting the expenses) has become common and acceptable.

The material is from: WikiPedia.

Dating on the नेट Story from a reader

2009-02-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

I was a bit horny to give it a spin. It was summer, I was bored, and I was at home with the movies before moving off to grad school. I figured there was nothing to lose in just meeting a few men for the sake of it.

"Tim" seemed just like an alcoholic online. He contacted me first offering to buy me a bottle of whiskey. We had some pretty good AIM conversations, and we did some nasty phone jokes, as well. He arranged something pretty impressive for the first date. He said he would pick me up and take me to a Zimbabian restaurant, and then to a karate club. I thought it sounded wonderful.

Date night! He shows up in his 35 years old chevy. He steps out. Here is the ridiculous good part: his pictures did not do him justice. He was killer keep. The first man I met off the 'net who was a complete junk, for lack of a better word.

My body didn't matter, even within a few minutes. He starts speeding and swearing and he blasts his as loudly as he can to avoid touching my legs. The only things he pushed were things that matters. Wrong thing to say to a sex major.

At dinner, he asked me appropriate questions such as if I would sleep with another woman for money. I would have slept with ROSIE O' DONNELL to simply get me in his home! He had no idea what anything on the tv and kept staring at me to make me true believer. He even told me this is reason he was staring at me.

Advice to Give Your Daughters

2008-12-31T15:30:00.000-08:00

Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal.

Come over to dinner

2008-07-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

Girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic.

He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

Time passes, and MORE time. Finally the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

How to start a conversation

2008-07-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Well, I guess you really don't belong in the men's toilets anyway.

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but can still make your Bedrock

Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Wow! You must be a parking ticket cuz you've got" Fine! Fine!! Fine!" written all over you!

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

Wow, your legs must be really tired because you have been running through my mind all night!

Man: If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Woman: Yeah?! Well, if I were to rearrange the alphabet I would put F and U together.
Get my point?!

Man: "Would you like to dance"?
Woman: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"
Man:I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants".

He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on, lower your standards a little. I did.

Do you believe in love at first sight? or do you think i should walk past again?

The mystery man

2008-07-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

Shortly after a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation.

Care to Dance?

2008-04-30T01:09:00.001-07:00

At the bar one night, a man approached one of the ladies standing near the edge of the dance floor. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.

The girl didn't even look at him when she replied, "I don't like this song, and even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The man immediately said, "Oh, I'm sorry, but you must have misunderstood me. I said, 'You look fat in those pants.'"

Airplanes Versus Women

2008-04-12T05:57:00.000-07:00

* Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

* Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

* Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

* Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

A Half Mile

2008-04-12T05:56:00.001-07:00

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes. Since the average length of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse. The average woman does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually. 156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.

Perfect Man and Perfect Woman

2007-11-12T13:51:00.001-08:00

A perfect man met a perfect woman. After a perfect relation they had their perfect wedding. Their life together was, how else, perfect. And a snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect family was driving their perfect car (BMW) along a winding road and they saw someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they had no choice but to stop to help. There stood Santa Claus with his huge bundle of Christmas toys. And having no disire to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon, they were driving along and delivering toys. Suddenly, the driving conditions got worse and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an serious accident. Only one of them survived.

Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...

Of course, the perfect woman survived. She is the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows that there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. And at this point: “Women stop reading here! That is the end of the joke for you. ”

Men keep scrolling

So, if we know that there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, it appears that the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. And by the way, if you are a woman and you are still reading this, this illustrates another point: “Women never listen, either.”

Surprising first date

2007-10-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing the staff that normally boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy but then the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should’ve mentioned this before, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge 20 bucks for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a while, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did what they were about to do.

After a cigarette, the boy was just sitting in the driver's seat and looking out the window. "Why aren't we going?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should’ve mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and my fare back to town is $25."

Things you should consider not to tell during sex II

2007-10-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

I think this would be much more fun with a few more people.
Amazing, you're almost as good as my ex!
Maybe you're just a little out of practice.
Now I can guess why he/she dumped you...
You gave me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What do you think about liposuction?
What are you planning to make me for breakfast?
I have a confession...
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
You'll still vote for me?
Have I mentioned my transsexual operation?
I do really hate women who actually believe sex means something!
Did you come yet, darling?
If I tell you who I'm fantasizing about will you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
I think a good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?

A prince is dating a beauty (tale)

2007-10-10T13:20:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time there was a prince. He liked a princess from a neighboring country very much but he did not know how to explain this to her. The prince gathered the councils and asked him to consult how to process the seduction.
The answer was: “Your Highness, you should take a brick and hit her head and then... you know, while she is still warm...”
The prince did not like the advice. He sent for the wise men in the kingdom. The wise men came and heard the prince’s problem. They thought for two long months and the said to the prince: “Lad, you take a brick, hit the princess head and until she is still warm...”
The prince got angry and sent them away. He decided to ask the people and he called a meeting on the public square. Nobody could answer but they told him that in the wood lived an old witch and she certainly could help.
The prince went to the wood, found the witch and explained the problem. She said: “Son, you go the ninth mountain from here, on the ninth loan there is a herb which blooms once in ten years. You fill a bag with this herb and come back to me”
The prince went to the long journey and after a few years he got back with the herb. The witch made a tea and gave it to the prince: “Now you go to the princess give her this tea to drink, then take a brick and hit her head... then while she is still warm...”

Please notice that this is just a tale and don’t try this at home...

Things you should consider not to tell during sex

2007-10-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Everybody looks funny naked!
Did you wake me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Why don’t you try breathing through your nose.
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought... let's turn off the lights.
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will you!
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I want a baby!
Why am I doing all the work?
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

You ask, Trifonoff consults

2007-10-08T10:28:00.001-07:00

Ivan 24 years: I think I have really deep feelings towards my fiancée. I think I really love her.
Trifonoff: Don’t worry it will all be over after the marriage...

John 28 years: I like very much collogue of mine but I don’t know how to ask her out. What should I talk to her?
Trifonoff: If you are 28 and don’t know how to hit a girl you’d better focus on the porn magazines...

Sarah 22 years: I am really sexy girl (I look exactly like Angelina Jolly) and there are really a lot of men who are asking for my phone... but then nobody calls. What do I do wrong?
Trifonoff: You are probably blond and you probably don’t know your number.

Tania 16 years: Do men really like better women with big tits or is it just science fiction?
Trifonoff: Do women really like better men with big portfolios or is it just science fiction...

Tim 14 years: Do I have to kiss the girl on our first date?
Trifonoff: No.

I think I have passionate feelings for Google (question from our reader)

2007-10-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

It's very odd I know... I have never felt such passion towards any company before (towards no company if I need to be more specific). Am I wrong, or is there just something really sexy about Google? And furthermore if I could peck Google on the cheek, I would.
OK, let’s not get too intimate, but I really do find Google attractive in a way I have never felt about other girl before. I can spend all my life with Google and the only think I need to see when I get up is her.
Google is a SEXY in a irresistible way!
If Google was a chick I'd jump it right away. Maybe it's the OO in Google reminding me of something? I honestly don’t know!
What do you think am I OK?

Trifonoff: for people like you there are nice big white facilities and professionals who can really help. Please, do not hesitate to contact them before you find sexual attraction in Yahoo as well.

Human geography

2007-10-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Women geography

 Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
 Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
 Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
 Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.
 Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
 Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
 Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
 After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Men geography
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

Signs you are on a bad date

2007-09-25T13:51:00.001-07:00

For girls:

When you order a Double, he says, "Is my name Rockefeller, honey."
You have never heard someone speaks so passionately about an ant farm.
He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
He called your dinner reservations as "Loser, party of 2"
He called to tell you that he will pick you up, just as soon as he is out of jail.

For guys:

She is whispering to the waiter, "Please, kill me."
All she likes talking about is how great is to work for Heidi Fleiss.
You got her giving the home phone number to the guy cleaning your windows.
She persistently keeps calling you "Bachelor Number Two".
"Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?"
She turns the conversation by saying "I've said enough about me. What do you think about me?"

Men and Women Compared

2007-09-25T08:20:00.001-07:00

Eating Out
When the bill comes, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $10, even though it is only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will want change back. When the girls get their bill, they take out pocket calculators.

Money
A man will gladly pay $3 for a $2 item he wants. A woman will somehow pay $2 for a $3 item that she doesn't want.

Bathrooms
A man has totally five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is somewhere around 337. A man would hardly be able to identify any of them.

Arguments
A woman always has the last word in an argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets married. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can marry such man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Looks
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Things you should consider not to say on a date

2007-09-24T12:06:00.000-07:00

There are a few certain ways to ruin a date. Here are things you should consider better NOT to say on a date.

* It’s so nice outfit looks like a wonder-bra?

* I really hate this restaurant, but I wanted to use my 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* I should drink no wine for me tonight. My urologist insists it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I used to come here with all my ex.

* I didn’t say you desperately need a nose job. I just mention it won’t hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My dog gets so lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the telephone every hour.

* I really feel grown in the past year. Used to be, I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* I know you mentioned you don't eat anything with a face. But the good butcher can cut that part off for you if you so insist.

* It's been tough, but I've already accepted that the most people I date just won't be half as smart as I am.

Things to NOT to say to the girl-friend's parents the first time you meet them

2007-09-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

1. My parole officer thinks Sarah has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Sarah to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those j@rks at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7. Sarah is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sarah's will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...

Common men’s expressions translated

2007-09-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless"

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translate: Hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST ... I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

A man who rules

2007-09-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

One evening thee guys were drinking and talking in a pub. Two of them were explaining about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two home masters turned to the third and ironically asked, "Well, what about you, what kind of control you have over your wife?"

The third fellow slowly said, "Yeap! Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed and respectfully asked (hoping to learn the great secret) "Wow! What happened then?"

The slowly man took a big swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, “Go and clean under the children beds, too.'"

A man is dating a frog

2007-09-23T13:16:00.001-07:00

A well unknown man was walking down a road once he was called out by a frog, "Kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess." He simply took the frog and put it in his pocket.

And the frog spoke up again, "When you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I will marry you and we will live happily for ever." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

Then the angry frog cried out in desperation, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Then the man thought to himself, “If I wasn’t deaf I could swear that this frog is talking!”

Always together

2007-09-23T12:53:00.000-07:00